Transitions and Tolerating

This post really is in answer to questions I've gotten over the last week regarding the mid-life crisis article post, the falling down professions post and the phrase I used in the Barnes and Noble post about tolerating negative feelings. They're all connected so I'll just dive right in.

Here are some of the questions -
"When is the right time to make a transition?"
"Am I too old/young to be feeling this way?"
"Am I too old/young to be making a career transition?" "HOW can I make the transition? It feels too difficult."
"I'm in the midst of making changes but having trouble dealing with my feelings about it, I'm not sure, I can't take the reactions of the people around me, I don't want to hurt anyone else by my actions."
"Maybe I AM a cliche but am I supposed to sacrifice myself and the rest of my life in order to keep on living the way I have and hating my career, life situations?"
"I'm in a career that I hate and would like to make a change but I need to keep working while I do it, it's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning..."
"Why do I feel guilty putting myself first and making a change that will make my life better?"
"What do you mean by 'tolerating negative feelings'"?
"What causes burnout or the desire for a change? Are there things that are 'normal' and those that are just silly and unrealistic?

I don't think anyone is ever "too old" or "too young" to be making a transition. If somehow one finds oneself in the wrong career or profession why wait any longer? Why spend any more time doing something you don't want to be doing and that is impacting negatively on your life? Here are a couple of examples of how the need and desire for a change can surface at any age. Clients who are making transitions in their
20s, 30s, 40s, 50s,60s, and yes - 70s, and an inspiring story from my 90 year old mentor who is still working!

T.N. is 28 and on the corporate track. He had it all planned out and was living out his plans. College, Grad School, a few years in the corporate world then on for an MBA which would lead him to the position that he wanted. All seemed to be going well on the surface, T and I began working together when he was researching MBA programs and realized that the life he thought he wanted was not actually the one he wants. What now? What next?

J.S. is 36 and a successful attorney. She recently had her first baby and took a 6 month maternity leave. She and her husband had agreed that she would go back to work after the 6 months since she's the primary earner in the family. She's ready to go back to work but her husband thinks she should take more time off to stay home with the baby. J.S. and I are working on different ways for her to work full time but spend some of that time at home as a compromise since she does want to spend more time with the baby than she thought she would when she was first planning her maternity leave.

A.D. is a 48 year old doctor with a thriving practice. A workaholic since high school, his studies and work served as a haven for him. He loves study, he loves work, he teaches at a teaching hospital and loves the interaction with the med students. During difficult times in his personal life his work was a way of getting away from all of it. He was able to concentrate fully on the needs of his patients and the work he loved. But during the last couple of years since his divorce he's found that his work doesn't provide him with the haven-like feelings it did. He wants more of a "life" for himself and that's causing him to feel more resentful at work.

H.B. is a 54 year old filmmaker. She loves her work but has been feeling and putting up with the age-ism and sexism in her industry for too long. It's making her hate the work atmosphere she finds herself in and resentful of her some of her colleagues and the system in a way that is impeding her ability to be creative and work.

V.L. is a 56 year old woman who is retiring from a career as a teacher. She wants to continue working in some area but not sure what or how.

B.R. at 64 was a successful business owner for most of his working life. It included working "all the time" and not spending as much time as he wanted to doing "the things I love" but now he's not even sure of what those things are anymore. He wants a working retirement but isn't sure how to structure it or how to fill the extra time he'll have.

T.D. is in his mid 70s and has been retired for a couple of years. He's gotten his second wind and decided he wants to become technologically savvy, use the internet and possibly write a blog/book about his life.

Then there's my 90 year old mentor/professor who told me last week about the new patients she's started working with! Yes. You heard that right.

Are any of these situations easy? No. Do they bring up uncomfortable feelings during the process of deciding to make a change and while making the change? Yes.

When it comes to feelings, let's face the fact that we all have them all the time. We like some and chase experiences that allow us to feel them. We dislike others and try and mostly try and avoid circumstances that will bring them up.

The point is to acknowledge the discomfort and not let it dictate the choices you make. If you're feeling uncomfortable about making a change or the process required to do it the point isn't to say "this isn't the right thing for me". The objective is to be aware of it, figure out what's causing it and make decisions based on what's best for your future and the future you want to have.

That means tolerating some negative feelings. They're just feelings. They're not in charge. You are. They can be a useful tool. You can include them to figure out what's working and not working. What you want and what you don't want. Which techniques work for you and which don't. Which changes work for you and which don't.

So when you're thinking of making a change.
* The first step is to work through what the right change will be for you NO MATTER HOW OLD you are.
* Then ask yourself what you're willing to do and feel in order to get it.

Enjoy the day,
RK